let the quiet...

"...let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be." ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

A dear friend sent this quote to me yesterday. Its as if reading it gave me permission to be okay with my quiet. Most days I have a lot to say, a lot to share but most times words do not adequately express. So I'm embracing the quiet of my days. The need for less words. The welcoming of gazes and sighs, of touch and holding, of lingering and breath.

In our culture, we are so accustom to needing to fill spaces with words. I know in my life, mostly in my writings, I fill fill fill...so many words and yet when in the flesh, I am drawn to quiet. I am drawn to sitting back and soaking in the feeling of the moment, the essence.

When I feel utterly safe with someone, they experience my comfort with quiet. I have surrounded myself with souls I feel safe with the last few years and there is much more quiet and pause in my life and in theirs.

So here is a gaze for you...the utter peace and light I felt in this moment as I captured this image of myself. I needn't share all the reasons I arrived at this place of peace. Can you just see it in me? Sigh. Yes.

What does quiet feel like for you?

vulnerability, ego and laughter*

The other day I laid on my bed laughing at myself with a friend. Laughter that came from my deepest places. Laughter that moved around the parts that felt stuck . I had just been extremely vulnerable with her and in my vulnerable, I knew I was taking a risk sharing these parts of myself that are achy and dark, hurty and insecure, uncertain and fumbly. My vulnerable was witnessed by her, fully witnessed and yet, I was still so very loved and seen, really seen, understood and even celebrated. In her witnessing, I somehow was able to fully witness myself. And in that moment, a sweet release of laughter came forth.

I've been so protective the last few years. In my cocoon, healing the raw...inviting few into my world. I needed to do this. It was not easy and quite foreign for me but somehow it felt good in my bones to be this protective of myself, of what surrounded me in the physical. I gave so much light for so long and it was time for me to surrender to the dark that was left and rest alone in it. The cozy womb of safety and ease, simple and hushed. Man, so much was revealed to me about myself while in this sacred womb. And now, is the laboring of birthing myself again...the core of me. I am surfacing gently, slowly...moving towards those spaces where I can be seen. I know its time...time for me to enter back into the uncomfortable bits of opening myself up again. It's freeing along side stilling along side extremely raw. Stilling in that I feel so much that was once in my life has moved on from me...up and out, beyond my grasp and that is when I realize, the grasping is what needed to cease and the surrender of Trust is what needs to be present for me.

My laughter, head down on my bed, rolling to my back, stopping, breathing and laughing again was me recognizing how much my ego was finding its way through what I was sharing with her and it is my ego that I have practiced letting go of the past few years. How quickly it returns when you're wanting so badly to fit back into a space you once were and prove to those around you that you are worthy enough to be there. But oh my dear heart...when I let go of my ego, I don't need to belong anywhere really but h(OM)e within myself. Exactly where I am and who I am in that moment.

You see...I am writing an e-course with a dear friend and we hope to launch it by this Summer and this...this has brought me so much life because I/we have lived so deeply in what we want to put out into the world. We are still in it and it feels huge to invite others into this for me. I've been so protective and quiet, so to be seen again in this way...its vulnerable and frightening and yet heart stirring and life bringing to walk into this unknown.

I'm different than I was. I'm truer to myself and those around me. I've been deeply humbled. And the best most yummiest part is that I laugh at myself more often. Whole heartedly belly laugh at myself.

The words of my friend...

She poured out her self, abandoned her ego, and laughed. Again and again, head down, healing poured through her, and light flowed. She knew herself, knew her Love, and spread it down the bed, across the mountains, and through the portal of sisterhood, into my lap.

Mmmmm...yes.

touch*

I've been reveling in touch lately.

A few weeks ago my naturopath asked me to lay down and her hands made their way to my belly. I laid there with my eyes close surrendering to her touch, I felt our breath synchronize. The heat of her hand felt so so very good. So tender. I had no idea what her intentions were but that helped me practice trust and my intuition was telling me my body felt desperate for this caress. She cradled my thigh and applied gentle pressure onto the skin that protects my ovaries...my lower belly... and that is where the emotions surfaced for me. I know my reproductive organs and the muscles and skin that protect them hold so many memories, so much ache, so much need for validation that they are enough. Its almost as if I've been afraid to cradle them, afraid to go there just yet as I go about my life and what is in front of me. But what is inside of me there...there...is tender and needs my attention, my love, my grace...even after all these years. I've been a bit quiet with them.

Later my naturopath told me she was doing Craniosacral therapy. I nodded and took a deep breath, told her it felt good but wasn't ready in that moment to talk about what had just transpired. I got to my car, sat down in silence as the rain danced across the windows and the tears spilled. So much. So much emotion in those parts of my body. Endometriosis, cysts, (in)fertility...now that I allowed myself to pay attention to the emotion that rests beyond the physical pain, there was this tremendous release. I have known for quite some time subconsciously this needed to happen, this attention, this love...but honestly, I've been so afraid of it. Afraid of what would happen if I surrendered to it because it feels like it would be a flood that drowned me. And as I sat there in the car releasing what my naturopath had moved around, I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't as frightening as I had imagined. It was good. So good and dare I say even a bit freeing. As cliche as that sounds (and the cliche of it has kept me from believing that freedom could really happen for me), it is true. The days following I have felt a lightness I haven't felt in years. Something has loosened. Something has awakened.

I've been touching those parts more. Laying my hand there whenever I can. Sending affirmations. Touch. Healing touch. Now I feel more aware when Cedar brushes my hand with his or my husband cups my face in the darkness of night to kiss me goodnight. I feel more alive when touching and being touched.

To my ovaries, my uterus, my fallopian tubes...(laying my hands there) I love you...and you are perfect for me, so very perfect for me, so very enough.

I will leave you with a little prompt droplet to think about what part of your body needs your love and affirmations...

weekend soul-message*

rock made by mccabe russell

Its a constant practice knowing this deep. This weekend it will be my mantra.

I am enough. You are enough.

Have a blessed weekend.

a crystal mothering a crystal*

Sometimes his constant connection to Spirit, to other worldly, to what is around him, to what is *in* him and his need for me to be there at every. single. moment. can be overwhelming. Exhausting. There are days when all I can do in my wee moments alone is stare, linger into nothingness or endlessness and find my breath or close my eyes and whisper that I am still here, me and these Other parts of me. I always describe him as intense on those days but really what he is, is Connected, even in his disconnectedness to people around him, he is connected to something larger and whole and of Spirit. And he just wants me there. With him. I anchor him. I help him feel safe. Heard. Understood. Seen. Calm. Believed in. What we all need, really if we admit it to ourselves.

A Crystal Child mothering a Crystal Child.

I am not used to needing to anchor anyone. I am accustom to people feeling freer around me. I am used to inspiring others to take flight. Ever moving, evolving, spreading of wings but never anchoring.

Perhaps this is the struggle I feel within, that I have felt a resistance to the past few years and not being conscious of it until now. That by me anchoring him, my son keeps me anchored. That together we are in that space to work, to own and claim and BE *in it* and not try it on and then move on to try something else, like my gypsy heart did all the rest of my years growing up. "I'm not choosing easy. I am not choosing to raise a 'good' child." I heard my friend say to me before laying her exhausted body down to sleep at the end of a very long day with her son. And it shot through me like lightning. This is it. I am not choosing easy. I am not wanting him to conform to any of my ideals. I am desiring him to be fully him, of his own mind and spirit and desires and needs. It is not me controlling him but me joining him and us teaching one another and guiding one another and working through Life on this earth together.

When I allow that surrender to come in, it breathes life into my hours spent with him on the floor, outside playing in puddles and with cars, boats, rocks, sticks, etc. Those moments where I feel agitated and bored and want to be doing something different with my time. I sit with him and share my heart with him and don't pretend to have it all together as his mother and remember that his purpose on this earth is to heal and transform and offer people wings too. I feel so utterly honored. I feel a heaviness lift and I let go just a bit more and an ease, a relief washes in. And because he is who he is, a born sage, he looks over at me and shows me he totally gets it.

The other day, Cedar said to his babysitter when they were outside "This tree feels sadness, it needs a hug". He feels so much. I feel so much. When I see this as Connectedness rather than Intensity, it shifts things for me a bit for some reason.

Truly, I am just now beginning to find words for all of this. I haven't had words. I know I am going to stumble through trying to find words. I've been quiet with everyone, about motherhood. Sharing bits with souls I feel safe with but really even being quiet with myself about it. Because I wanted it for so long. Not because I always imagined myself a mother. Quite the contrary. I didn't really have a strong desire to be a mother until I had a dream at age 30 about an angel child walking with me on the beach and having a very deep conversation with this child. When I woke, there was a knowing that I would be a mother to this child one day. My yearning to be a mother was born from that dream and was affirmed when I met my husband a year later. Then began our very long, emotional fertility journey to our child because that yearning was deeply rooted in me and that child spirit called to me every day.

Because of our long journey, I have carried a bit of guilt that being a mama has felt overwhelming to me. I see women having two, three, four, five and more children.  I see them homeschooling, with their children every moment, not having a second alone and seeming to just flow and ease into it all.  And I wonder why having just one child has felt like so much.

I feel a peace when I stop comparing. I feel a peace when I remember that the child in the dream who visited me long ago, whispered in my ear that he needed to be with me. I feel a peace when I trust this and allow it to be enough.

A Crystal Child mothering a Crystal Child.

Its extraordinarily awesome and beautiful, hard and achy, stretching, widening, opening and rad. I wouldn't change anything about it except that I need to open up about it a bit more so that I don't feel alone and all the mamas out there don't feel alone. Its easier to share the easy parts in this safe screen between us. This is way more vulnerable and risky. I am choosing to trust releasing it into this space.  I choose to trust the pull to do so.

We all have our own stories and journeys through mothering/parenting.  This is my story.  Separate but also part of a whole we all experience and feel and see in each others stories.

Bare with me as I find my words...

silences*

I'm sitting here at the coffee shop listening to the most beautiful, soulful, haunting and heart-ache-full classical music. I wish I knew the composer. I'll ask when it quiets down. The music led me to these images and so I share them with you here. I have no words. They were emptied when the music started. I am accepting that its okay I have no words. Lately I've been drawn to the feeling in between, before and after words come. The deep breaths and pauses and gazes and long sighs. These silences are where my heart pulses with soul. And they feel enough.

I wonder what story these images tell you...

these days...

There have been some really healing and beautiful shifts happening in my life, in my heart lately. I've noticed my chest expanding wider when I am on my lake walks. I notice I am laughing more heartily. I am kissing my husband deeper. My cheeks ache a bit from smiling longer. I notice I am resisting less and embracing more of what is in front of me. Truly its the little guy in all the photos above that is my teacher.

You know, there have been a lot of projects and retreats and offers coming to me lately that I've had to say no to. Not because I don't feel passionate about them or not feel I have a bit of peace & love to offer but because my purpose right now feels really clear. That purpose is to be fully present for Cedar and learn how it is we can support him, love him, nurture him and help him find his footing.

The move to the yellow house rocked his world. It brought a lot to the surface for him and for us as a family and we had to surrender to so so much. I've had to be very protective of this time and space for us and set boundaries that are not easy for someone like me to set. I'm a LOVER of people and life and I want to let everyone in and embrace the whole of what comes my way but I haven't had the reserves. I've had to be really selective, cautious and careful and that can be so hard. This protectiveness has led me to the folks in my life that truly see me and love me and our family and trust our choices. It has led me to folks that have less expectations of us.

There is a writing project that I feel deeply connected to that I've been asked to participate in. But I haven't had the time or energy because of all that is going on with Cedar and his therapy. I wrote to the woman spearheading the project. A woman who is becoming a dear soul in my life. I apologized to her for dropping the ball on the deadline and explained to her why, even though I knew she was aware. This is what she responded to me...

"There is something really grounded and strong about your words at the moment. I have an image of you as a mountain lion taking care of her cub with a fierce beauty." I read her words while at a coffee shop and I felt myself swallow hard and the tears just flowed. I wrote telling her that when reading those words, I was THAT girl at the coffee shop in tears. Although I didn't really pay attention to what or who was around me in that shop but how GOOD that VISION she offered to me felt. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Good.

Right now in my life, I need to feel safe in my relationships. I need gentleness. I need understanding and forgiveness. I need wide open spaces. I need alone time to rejuvenate. I need to not commit to much else but my family. I need tenderness. I need compassion. I need to allow people and things into my heart that feel what one of my dearest soul sister's calls "LIFE GIVING". And I am grateful, so very grateful that I am being offered so much of what I need by those I love, trust and am drawing near to me and are circling us during this time. I think that just happens when you are really clear about what you need.

Oh geez, here I am again...THAT girl in the coffee shop in tears but I am smiling and the salty tears just drifted into my mouth and onto my tongue and it is the most delicious and healing elixir for me these days.

Here are a few photos of Cedar (below) at his occupational therapy. This was last week when he decided that he did not want to climb up this rope without the support of his furry stuffed companions on his back. And that warmed my heart to the core. That he is learning and cultivating a deep knowing of what he needs to move through this life.

He knew he couldn't do it alone and you know what? Neither can I.

free and unsquashed spirit*

Right before I took the photo above, Cedar said "Mommy, I never want to cut my hair. Can people keep curls as pets?"

People often ask me if I will ever cut his hair. Some have suggested, since Cedar has a bit of a feminine face, that it might be a good idea. Whenever we've asked him out of concern for it getting in his eyes, we get a passionate "NO!". Not a day goes by when we are out and about that Cedar isn't referred to as a girl by a stranger. But my husband and I have really desired to cultivate nonconforming gender ways of being and have just allowed Cedar to guide us with his interests and needs and what comes natural to him.

When we were ordering him some soft pajamas online, we asked him to pick out which style he wanted. He chose the purple and pink striped ones. My husband and I looked at one another and had one of those unspoken nods of understanding that there may be a journey ahead of us. No matter how liberal and open minded we are, we know there are others out there that are not and allowing Cedar to be and dress how he desires will be a constant choice to let go of those pressures of cultural norms. We know he is only about to turn four...but growing up near San Francisco, it is difficult for my mind to not go to those places of what may lay ahead for him.

We are blessed to live in a very open minded community. One of the reasons we love this place so. Although I still hear people around me say "he is ALL boy" or "girl or boy energy". I'm not sure why whenever those words are spoken, that it stirs something inside of me. Nothing negative but more like a fluttering or nervousness. I never felt this way before having a child. So my intuition tells me that there may be something ahead of me in my journey with Cedar that may have to break through those preconceived ideas of what kind of gender energy he has or what kind of gender he is more like.

A few days ago his babysitter Emily (and best friend) told me that they were outside playing and he outstretched his arms in a moment of complete abandon and yelled with his scruffy voice "I am Woman!!!" and as she told me this, we both giggled and had a knowing look. We knew Cedar in that moment just got the whole woman power thing and its wild because I've never yelled out that phrase to him. It completely came from within. Then of course shortly after that, he'll play with this tractors or cars and let the wild rumpus start. Or he'll be outside playing with our neighborhood girls sitting in his big yellow car making loud car noises and then stop to compliment them on their dress or skirt.

The other day I heard Cedar up in my bedroom. I walked in to find him putting my lipstick on his lips in front of my mirror and saying to himself "I love you". I fought that knee jerk reaction to stop him. Tears welled up and in that moment I realized that is what its all about: Loving himself. We just want him to feel free to be who he is and love who he is and have a strong self esteem. Whether he ends up being more gender-boy or gender-girl or gender-fluid, we hope for him to have a free and un-squashed spirit and we will nurture that in any way we can.

surrendering*

Processed with Cameramatic app.

Most of my life, especially in my adult life, I have resisted the idea of labels. I felt they placed people in a box and the concept of boxing anyone in didn't quite resonate or feel good in my bones. Intuitively I knew we were all unique and our experiences were unique and being open to others ideas, experiences meant deeper growth and a life of possibility. I feared the limited-ness and the feeling of being controlled and my free spirit ached for the freedom beyond boundaries.

Yet, even at almost 41 years old, as I continue to seek (and drift) and expand without a desire to associate myself with any one way of being, labels continue to come into my path.  They continue to be my teacher. My vessel of messages my soul needs.  Full of nuggets of wisdom. There is always a process of surrender while trying to sort out my own freedom within these labels and our societies preconceived ideas of them: Celiac, Christian, Infertile, Endometriosis, Dread Head, Empath, Wanderer, Adoptive Parent, Free Spirit, etc. There becomes this dance between intuiting my way through life and surrendering to needing guidance and help, knowing I cannot always do it alone.  I suppose labels happen for a reason. They provide direction when we feel lost.  They provide teaching when we are needing to be a student.  They provide council when we are confused.  They provide an opportunity to go within and find our own true voices in the midst of a choir.

This is what my husband and I are moving through with Cedar. A label. A diagnosis. Our resistance to this label. Our relief upon the awareness of this label. Our confusion. Our clarity. Our "aha...this makes sense". Our fears. Our projections. A sudden awareness of our expectations of Cedar.  Releasing those expectations. Our surrendering to needing help and guidance. Our tears. Or more like...sobs. Our awakening of being chosen to parent him. Our confidence. Our lack of confidence. Our free spirits so deeply wanting to intuit everything he needs. Our surrendering to the fact that we cannot intuit his needs every moment, especially when we are learning his brain and every cell in his body receives information different than ours.

Asperger's Syndrome. High functioning Autism. Low Spectrum. Sensory Processing Disorder.

Crystal Child.

Our Cedar.

Processed with Cameramatic app.

Suddenly, I felt faced with how to share this with others. What gave me courage is that we are one in billions of parents that are faced with labels for their children and not a lot of people know how to navigate through it all. It can feel isolating and lonely and full of so many fears.  Sometimes our fear of labels can paralyze us from giving our child what they truly need.

We are in the beginning of it all. That first awareness and overwhelm. Trying to live moment by moment and center ourselves and not allow the many opinions that may come our way to divert us from our own intuition and trust as Cedar's parents . Even the opinions to not label him. Which me, more than anyone, understands so deeply.

But I keep going back to that first moment when I heard the label and how my heart felt relief and a weight lifted and tears poured because I have always known down deep that there was something, something I couldn't grasp or understand about my precious son. I knew that most times his behavior or sensitivities came from a place that went beyond my empathy or intuition as a mama to a toddler figuring out his way in this world.  There has been completely messy moments for him and me.  Moments where I felt he was judged or I was judged and I have had to be his only advocate in a room.  The idea that I could now help myself and others understand him better, so that Cedar will have room to BE and feel safe being, offered me so much peace.

I know my son cannot be boxed in. I also know that just as I did not allow myself to be controlled or defined by any one label, I, we will raise Cedar to not be defined or controlled by any label. We will also raise him to not attach any shame to any of this as there is no shame in it. Just as I felt there was no shame in my fertility journey and sharing it out loud here on my blog has helped hundreds, if not thousands of women and men not feel alone.

As much as we go down the list of Asperger qualities and nod our head, not all of them apply to him. So we are on a journey. And this journey is all about helping him feel as safe and secure as he can when he is overwhelmed. Being married to a librarian, you better believe we have stacks of books on the subject. But we also put them aside at times, take deep breaths and not allow it to consume us or steer us away from our own intuition and free spirits. Those moments where we just hold space for him and release the need to know all the answers or strategies in that moment and to just surrender to the not knowing and what comes so easily for us, which is loving him with our whole hearts unconditionally.

p2735

I have more to share about our process over the last few months and our choice to approach this holistically with a grain free diet, particular vitamins and minerals and tools for sensory overwhelm. We are meeting with an OT this month, have had appointments with a naturopath and phone appointments with a gentle and wise woman sent to me by a dear friend. This woman has become my life line.

In this moment, we are surrendering to the not knowing. Surrendering to the uncertainty of whether or not to embrace this label fully. Surrendering to the relief we feel when we can make sense of why he does what he does. Surrendering to the frustration we feel when we can't make sense of any of this.

Just surrendering.  Isn't that just what all parents have to do?

warmth of summer solstice*

Summer solstice. Mmmmm...Summer SOULstice.

The rays of the Sun are warming our skin today. Pulsing through us the life, the comfort, the warmth, the healing into our bones.

This week has been full for us. We are moving into the yellow house and since the new home is so near, we have spent time walking things over one by one. Last night I pulled Cedar's red wagon back and forth full of books to fill up the library. Oh, there is a library! An octagon shaped room, every wall lined with book shelves. This will be Boho Boy's office but our massive collection of books will find home there. Tomorrow is the moving truck and so it begins...a new beginning...once again.

On this Solstice, I am taking pause in the midst of the chaos. Stepping out to let the Sun, the Sol, wrap me up and let the grass growing so quickly from its rays tickle my toes. This day has such divine timing for me. I needed a reason to be reminded to stand still, just as the Sun does on this day.

There has been so much transformation in my life since moving here. Much of it has come from me pulling back, hushing the noise and allowing my heart to speak to me and honor its guidance. This quiet has been healing but it can also feel lonely at times. I know it is my choice. And it is my choice because I began to recognize how overwhelming the internet and social media were feeling to me. How I felt pulled in so many directions and it would cause me distraction from my present home life. At times I felt the pressure to be louder than I am when what my heart needs at this time in my life is a soft and gentle place to land. I just came to an awareness that I am deeply sensitive to energies and whether they are in person or on the web, I still feel them intensely. So in order to do my personal soul work through this, I needed quiet. I feel like I am almost there. I am learning so much about what I need. What feels good in my heart and what doesn't. I feel I am able to listen to my intuition more keenly. Learning how to love who I am and how I am and come to a place where I can exist a gentle warrior in a fiercer world. But the process hasn't been easy. It has been laden with spiraling down into self doubt, second guessing, comparison and rejection. All the icky hurty mucky stuff that surfaces when you are cleansing and clearing your life of things that are not healthy for you. I suppose I could compare it to the symptoms of a detox but one of the heart. The energy it took to decipher which voices were my truth and which were not felt massive but this burden is lifting and my heart is opening.

Yesterday afternoon when my boys went on an errand, I sat on the bottom of our steps. I took some deep breaths and reveled in the quiet of my home, looked around at what we had created and allowed the tears to fall. As we are packing up this beautiful cottage and starting new, it feels so much in alignment with how my heart feels. I let my eyes drift to the branch lightly tapping the window in front of me and the Sun shining through the leaves. I prayed in that moment. I heard myself say "I cannot do this alone" and I rested my head on the wall beside me on the stairwell. I felt like it was a surrender. I've pulled in deep and it was needed. Now I feel like I am ready and slowly open to trust again and believe that I can create an environment for me and my family that feels nourishing in love, light and spirit. That I can listen more intently if something doesn't feel right without the pressure to make it work just because my heart is so tender and big. I can channel that tenderness and bigness into those that truly see me and can offer this tenderness back. I can channel it into peaceful endeavors that breathe life into me not take energy from me. It is possible.

I went out to our backyard and this deer was sitting there...

This friend did not move when I approached. I walked towards it gently, wondering if it would run but it just sat there, staring into my eyes. I paused and breathed in and thanked the deer for reminding me. Ah yes, this is my Year of the Deer. My year of gentleness. I talked to the deer for a while, it tilted its head. I moved closer and it got up but it didn't run out of our yard through the large hole in the fence between us and our neighbor. It walked around the yard close to me. I walked in a circle and it walked in the circle with me. It felt like a dance of sorts. And I wondered if what the deer was telling me was that I will be surrounded by this energy if I remain clear that it is what I need.

Later in the evening a few gentle souls reached out to me out of the blue.  I didn't realize how much I needed that connection. I shared with one of them about the deer and she responded..."see. that is the real stuff. that is what helps define you. that beauty that is your being."  and again...tears fell.

All I had to whisper from my lips at the bottom of those steps was..."I cannot do this alone...".

Mmmmm...Summer Solstice, deer visits and warmth from loved ones. Such divine timing.

quiet mind.

This morning I am sitting here snuggled up in our big green chair. The blinds on all the windows pulled up, front door to the mud room/dining room open. Cool breeze tickling my cheeks. Flowers in bottles and vases and pictures surround me. Some from our yard. Some from our neighbors. Some from a local flower shop. My mother in law is here visiting and I hear her sipping her black coffee while tickity tacking away on her laptop, catching up on some of her work. She is here to take care of me, to take care of us while I am recouping from surgery (will share about this in next post). Cedar is still sleeping upstairs in his bedroom. He's been sleeping longer these days, growing taller each morning. We got him a new puppet a few days ago and are anticipating opening his door with this monster puppet when he wakes. He'll have a new friend this morning. I don't remember the last time my heart felt this at peace. Not only my heart but my mind...quiet. Quiet mind. I wasn't sure if that was possible for me. Being a bit more unplugged has helped with this but so has less television and more toes in the grass and fingers in the dirt and inviting interesting neighbors over for dinner last minute and sinking into their stories.

And I have some stories to tell you. MMMmmm...yes, I do and I will in the next post but for this morning, I wanted to share with you a few images from tiny corners of my world right now.

Oh, and all but one of my dreads have been combed out. Finally combed the remaining few out last week before surgery. I am savoring one. My tiniest dread underneath. I will carry my favorite bead on it. I just had to keep one. Just one.

I hope you feel the peace I am sending out to each of you. Deep breath...slow and clear and fresh...exhale...and Om.

heart flutters*

fireside dinner in our front yard, taken a few nights ago

I've been feeling quiet lately.  I think its just all part of this movement flowing through my life.  A movement of cocooning and healing and being mindful of where I put my energy and what kind of energy I allow into my life.  Its been so so good for me to keep it simple and present. So so good.

Here are a few things that are filling my heart with flutters these days...

Dreaming of the new yellow house we'll be living in this coming July and how I want to a create a nourishing, earthy, calm and inspiring space for my family and visitors.  Amused at how excited I get about dreaming up and designing a home.

Researching what it would be like to have chickens and goats.  There are some pretty darling homes you can build for them!  We went to an animal farm in Victoria, BC last year and got to sit with baby goats and cuddle and pet them.  It was there I learned that if you decide to have a goat in your family, you should have two because they need the company.  Hmmm...just like us, yes?  A lot to learn and a lot of work but its been fun to imagine the possibility of extending our family in this way. ; )

Looking into a studio space for me to put in our new backyard this Summer.  Something barn shaped and wide with lots of light.  My husband surprised me by purchasing this eBook because I want to experiment with painting furniture.  I love love to explore antique shops and oh that furniture from Anthropologie and Sundance makes me swoon.  Can you imagine doing that kind of stuff yourself?  I know.  I can too.  So, here I go.

I have fallen in love with using words for decor.  So far I have "Read" for our library/office.  "Dream" for our bedroom and "Gather" for our kitchen.  It adds such a fun touch.  Also loving the idea of poetry on a wall.

Whole Food Meal Plans is my saving grace these days.  At the end of the week I get a list of 5 recipes that I use for dinners, a few deserts and a fun weekend food project with a grocery list to gather up the goods for the next week.  Every single meal has been mouth watering...and I mean that and I am PICKY.  Usually when I try a particular way of eating and follow a book of recipes, I only like a few.  But oh my...last night my husband and I were talking about how brilliant Nicole and Alex are.  Seriously.  Drool worthy meals and healthy too.  But the best part is not having to plan out my own meals because I'll be honest with you, that is NOT my forte.  I love to cook but the planning bit is not my gig.

Loving and embracing the rhythm with my son.  His language is exploding and imagination widening and its so fun to be brought into his world.  His new found independence is a trip to witness.  Just the little things like gardening together or me being able to work in the yard while he rides his bike around me.  Being together but doing our own thing.  Its a groove I am really cherishing these days.

The other night I moved the chairs and fire pit from our backyard into our front yard and it shifted the energy of time together around the fire.  Its now something we can share with passersby or our neighbors rather than being so closed in.  I notice we spend a lot more time out front than in the backyard anyways.  So, opening up space like this felt really good on our hearts.

Would love to hear about what is making your heart flutter these days...

heal-all*

spending time with nicole and alex

I am noticing that when I have time away from Cedar, whether it is when he is napping (which is very rare these days) or when he is in his woodland preschool 3 days a week, I carry this unnecessary guilt around that unless I fill this time with housework or house projects, that I am being too indulgent. I am not sure where that pressure comes from. Its not coming from my husband, although given a hormonal day, I will think it is. My husband has his own business and he works from home in an office downstairs, so we are fully aware how hard he works from morning until evening with mini breaks in between to play with Cedar or practice archery out back. It is important to me that my husband knows we honor and appreciate his efforts to support our family so well and it is important to me that he views my nurturing Cedar and our home and our bellies as an equal effort of contribution to our family's well being. I lived on my own for so long supporting myself, as well as had my own business after we were married, so getting used to not contributing financially to my family can play a bit of a mind trip on me and my self worth as a woman.  I know it won't always be like this  because I have some projects on the horizon but at this stage in our journey of wellness and of nurturing Cedar, it needs to be for the time being.

It is good for me to remember that the moments I take for myself are not only for myself but are for my boys too. Meaning, if I want to sit for an hour to browse online for wisdom that interests and fulfills me, then I will be a more present mother and wife. What I am learning about myself as an Introvert, is how crucial alone time is for me and being a mother of a toddler and a wife of a stay at home working husband, alone time is more precious to me than it has ever been in my life. I cannot always fill my alone time with cleaning and picking up the house or grocery shopping or errands. This can feel so very draining for me. So I am trying to rethink and balance my new-found alone time while Cedar is in school three days a week for a few hours. I am most recently wanting to give myself permission to allow some of this time to go towards activities that fill my soul. And this is perfectly okay and good, so good for Cedar and my husband to witness. Part of why I am sharing these feelings in this space is to shoo the guilt away and to grow deeper into an awareness of my needs.

Today I chose to spend some time online, which I don't do often these days and when I do, it needs to be with an intention or I get overstimulated or spiral down with comparison gremlins. I was on the couch and my dear husband suggested I sit in our mud room-turned dining area. He said there was sun shining in there. He even pulled the table and chair out for me just right. My heart warmed at this gesture because he could easily resent this time of hush for me but rather, he supported and encouraged it. So, I snuggled under the sun and spent time on my friend Nicole's website: Whole Food Meal Plans (see photo above). I joined her and her husband's program (they are new sponsors) and I am thrilled to begin with their recipes and natural health ideas next week. So far this past hour browsing their program, I have already learned so much from them and have been led to other blogs/sites with food and natural product recipes that feel so doable to me. I am a newbie at making my own salves and tinctures and mists from what surrounds me in nature. I am a huge supporter of purchasing my friend's and sponsor's natural products but seem to notice I have not been confident enough to make my own. Well, that is going to change and I feel so supported by the blog community in regards to this shift in my life living here in the Pacific Northwest surrounded by nature's medicine.

Heal-All (Prunella Vulgaris) around our home

My friend was over the other day and pointed at all the Prunella Vulgaris growing around my house. I had no idea their healing properties! Remember I shared that this is my year of the Deer...of gentleness and healing for me and my family? Well its so fitting that these precious Prunellas are surrounding us in a purple cocoon of wellness. They are also referred to as Heal-All or Self-Heal.  Of course they are.

{important correction!  just found out from an herbalist friend of mine that this plant is actually called Lamium Purpureum (aka Purple Nettle)!  see?  we are all learning together in this space.  and this is a beautiful lesson for all of us how important it is to check with experienced herbalists when harvesting our own plant medicine.  Lamium has its own healing properties that our family needs.  so truly, its perfect}

warm wind*

Have you ever been standing there in the cold and the clouds begin to part a bit, letting a few sun rays stretch down and all of a sudden a warm wind swooshes in and around you? This happened to me the moment I shot the photo above. I put my phone down and took a deep breath and gazed around at the trees breathing it in, leaning into its warmth, its gentleness. I saw Cedar stand up from his squat over a pile of mud and look down towards the water. The dancing ripples always awe him. We both stood there until it passed through us. I've always believed moments like that are so deeply connected to the Divine. There are messages in those winds for each of us at just the right time and if we remain aware and open to them, we can hear, feel, touch and taste them.

The last few weeks have been full of the kind of depth and beauty and divinity that those rare warm winds bring.

I have been blessed with moments curled up with visiting friends and friends I visited, sharing our hearts, our dreams, our hurts, our process, our rising up out of the ashes and spreading of wings. And with it all there was a moment when I became more aware that I had flown to the other side of it all. Oh, that moment! I remember sitting there feeling a calm, a peace, as I allowed myself to be fully present with my friends, listening to their stories of truly coming into themselves and their art and unearthing online businesses. I didn't feel an urge to be where they were. I didn't feel less than or not enough because I am choosing this year as self care, pulling away from giving of myself in many different areas so my family and I can heal. I felt whole. I felt able to be there for them...fully. It felt easy to support and celebrate without attaching my own story. It felt inspiring to offer wisdom and insight and just a listening ear.  There was this moment when one of them joked with me because I didn't know much of what they were talking about in regards to this famous photographer or that artist or this website and said "You really are living in the woods!" and I laughed and said "Yes, I really am!" and I thought to myself...yes, that is exactly what I wanted for so long. What I am needing. This time of cocooning.  Yet I am also loving how I am able to let that world beyond the woods enter in now and then and not be shaken by it. That is when I know I am in a good, good place. I am where I should be. When I can feel a peace to not be anywhere, anyone or anything else but me...here.  right. now. And that is enough.

Its such a perspective shift. Just like this past weekend while in Vancouver with a few dear soul sisters, we heard someone say "live close to tears" and we all looked at one another with a knowing. Each of us deeply empathic and sensitive people and often misunderstood for such things, yet we always knew those ways of feeling and being were our strength. We knew THAT is what we do:  Live close to tears.   And suddenly it all made sense.

Like those moments when the warm wind blows and your mind goes quiet and you just know. Yes, just like that.

nurturing my tangible world*

taproot magazine

I received a copy of Taproot from my friend Amanda (editor of magazine) in the mail the other day and it couldn't have arrived at a more perfect time. I cherish those serendipitous moments when a loved one in your life connects to you in a cosmic way without conscious intention. Like this morning when I was looking out my upstairs bedroom window, watching the ripples of the water in the bay and imagining they were reaching my friend Jessamyn whom I miss achy so. And in that moment I heard my phone buzz with the words "Just have you on my mind..." and it was her.  Sweet Synchronicity.

Taproot magazine embodies the intention I am putting towards my life right now: "Living Fully, Digging Deeper".  Let me share an excerpt from the publisher Jason Miller that says so much of what I am wanting to cultivate in my life:

"People are taking stock of what's really important in life.  They're reviving skills of their grandparents like gardening and canning, sewing and knitting.  They're meeting neighbors and creating community.  These are real skills, both personal and interpersonal and they happen offline, in the tangible world.  They happen in a place.  People are saying the time for rootlessness is over; I'm ready to plant myself here, come what may."

Oh yes, that is it.  "Tangible World".  That is where I have been.  Reconnecting with a tangible world or moreso, retraining my brain and heart to pour my focus into what surrounds me with less time online.  I have no idea how to garden or can or knit but I am opening up space and time in my life to begin learning.  And when I put that intention out there, I was blessed with the possibility.  My dear friend Julia, who was my next door neighbor when we first moved here, is a farmer and I have asked her if she could come over and teach me how to plant vegetables this Spring.  My other friend Annie, who also used to be my next door neighbor, has asked me to come and knit with her on Wednesdays.  I have only picked up knitting needles once in my life 15 years ago and I gave up after a few tries.  I am more patient in my life now.  And I have more of a yearning.  And I am creating time to be more still.  I am ready.

I am drinking in this magazine like a thirsty woman needing to hydrate.  It feels like every page, every article, photo, quote, recipe...just the whole of it speaks to what I am wanting to create in my life.

Kale has been a huge part of our diet lately and I love it raw but I know not everyone does.  There is an article by Cynthia Lair about massaging kale with sea salt to help take the bitterness out.  I had not yet heard of this trick!  So for 2 minutes I massaged my freshly chopped curly kale with some sea salt and it worked.  My kale salad was AMAZING.

{chopped and massaged kale, diced honey crisp apples, diced red cabbage, roasted pumpkin & sunflower seeds, dried cranberries tossed with a small dollop of poppy seed dressing}

A few weeks ago I had an opportunity to participate in this amazing ecourse with a tribe of SOUL~full, POWER~full women.  It was going to be a big commitment and I knew it was going to require much of my energy and time.  It spoke to so many parts of me.  Especially the need to share my gifts with the world and to touch people's lives in a healing way.  It spoke to the Creatrix in me.  It spoke to the power I know I have within me to launch something extraordinary and life altering.  But there was this deep resistance that had nothing to do whether or not I believed I was capable of this.  I knew I  was.  We all are.  But it was more about timing and the simplicity I have been craving.  It was about my family that needed me to be more present.  It was about me knowing I am changing and still in the process of relearning who I am and what I am passionate about now.

Most importantly it was about my health and the health of my boys.  Since living with toxicity in our walls in Southern California, our immune systems have been a bit off.  This winter we have been sick with flu's and colds non-stop as one person gets it, heals and gives it to another and the cycle continues.  At first it was disheartening because I feel I feed my family well and we live in a seaside village with fresh air to fill our lungs.  I had a week or so of feeling depressed about it.  We had come from a home that contributed to illness and I wondered if we had entered into another one.  I really took it on and felt I wasn't doing enough.  When the opportunity to do this ecourse came into my life and I needed to decide where my energy would go, it was then that it became clear to me.  If I have the power to create a legacy with my passions and creativity, then I have the power to help heal my family and in order to fully dive into all the parts of me that make me ME, I need to be well and so do my boys.  The shift from feeling dis-empowered to empowered felt invigorating!

So, I dedicated this year to the year of WELLNESS for my family.  Sort of a continuation of the path I have already set before me but just more of a confirmation that I am going in the right direction.  Just the idea that I am able to focus on nothing else but wellness, released a weight on my shoulders of trying to be ALL things.  I can fill my days with self care and care for my boys and that is enough right now.  And when my body feels healed and my energy returns ten fold, I know opportunities will open up for me, as so will more energy.

Self care to me right now is being really mindful while preparing and eating nourishing foods.  Making time to move my body more (yoga, long walks, dancing).  Creating a beautiful, simple and stress free environment in my home.  Learning to garden both veggies and flowers.  Meditation and prayer.  Setting aside time to connect with souls that see me and nourish my spirit.  Being present for my boys and my family.  Opening myself up to my tangible community.  My energy needs to be nowhere else for now and the permission I gave myself to do this allowed me to feel UNSTUCK from any pressure to do more.  My ecourse, my book and all else that is on the horizon for me is not going away and doing those things, while feeling WELLNESS in my bones will help me to stay more in an authentic space surrounding it all.

Its not easy to go back to the ways of living more simply and quietly when most of the people in my life are rocking their creative passions and building inspiring businesses online (and offline).  The urge to compare can at times bring on not enoughness or loneliness or even a sense of being forgotten.  But those are the moments I have to breathe and remember what is in front of me, what is tangible and what is in alignment with what I am needing right now in my life.  I can honor, celebrate and support my friends but I don't have to be doing what they are doing to be fulfilled.  I have always needed and wanted to follow my own heart and stay authentic to who I am and what I need.

And I am hoping this guy will learn from all of this the importance of listening to your heart and carving out your own path regardless of what is going on around you...

joy that dwells far within slow time*

{my favorite feather, given to me by Rain. it reminds me that it is okay to need softness in my life}

As I sit here at my desk facing the window and little rain drops lightly fall onto the glass, I am feeling a deep peace. This peace comes from a dear friend reaching out and sending me a poem that spoke deeply to my heart. So deeply that I feel it puts words to the journey I am currently on and it puts an end to my quest to find the words, to name it. That is a weight lifted. As I read it tears fell and I whispered "yes...that is it. every. single. word."

I wanted to share it with hope that you to may find comfort in these words as well.

A BLESSING FOR ONE WHO IS EXHAUSTED:: by John O'Donohue*

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic, Time takes on the strain until it breaks; Then all the unattended stress falls in On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim. Things you could take in your stride before Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit. Gravity begins falling inside you, Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out. And you are marooned on unsure ground. Something within you has closed down; And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time. The desire that drove you has relinquished. There is nothing else to do now but rest And patiently learn to receive the self You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken And sadness take over like listless weather. The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground; Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight, Taking time to open the well of color That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone Until its calmness can claim you. Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit. Learn to linger around someone of ease Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself, Having learned a new respect for your heart And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

{thank you, kirsten. i love you.}

restoring my spirit*

{our frosty branch one morning}

I've received quite a few emails asking if everything is okay.  Many so curious as to why I have been quieter than usual here in this space.  And because it hasn't really been a conscious decision, I've had to ask myself the same questions.

I feel like moving here has birthed a transition within me, not just in body (obviously) but in spirit.  Its been happening mildly, slowly...ever so gently but I feel like this is just the beginning of shedding layers, healing past wounds, opening to new ways of being in this world and restoring my spirit .  I suppose with this transformation, I am listening deeper and paying attention more quietly than before. In the past I would work through my life by writing it out. Now I find myself sitting with it.  Meditating on it all.  Seeking in solitude.

Our lifestyle has changed so much, so fast with my husband working from home, just a door knock away, living in a real house with a backyard and front yard and neighbors that pop by, with forest a few feet away and ocean a few blocks away.  We've been nesting and exploring.  I thought when we first moved here, we would dive deeply into community but we found ourselves pulling in as a family.  Slowly rooting ourselves, becoming familiar with our surroundings but mostly just craving togetherness.  And it seemed until most recently, I only had energy for the three of us, really and creating a space that nurtured each of our spirits.  Only just now do I find us having the energy and space to connect to community and to other parents and their children.  Perhaps we were also following Cedar's groove, who seems to be at a time in his life where he is wanting to invite others into his wild imagination when for so long he preferred to be alone in his own world.  Its so beautiful to witness him opening, connecting to others and how he seems to be able to find kindred spirits.

{cedar exploring frost for the first time}

{cedar pretending to be a barista making me a latte}

For over ten years I lived in an area where I didn't feel I belonged as much as I tried to.  And the community that held me so close during my fertility journey was my online community of gorgeous bright creative motivated world changing bloggers.  Connecting to my friends within this tribe was through emails and texts and comments on blog posts, facebook and twitter and instagram...and occasional meet-ups or retreats or phone dates.  And for an introvert like me who needs a lot of alone time, these connections served my spirit.  And of course, they still serve my spirit.  I think because I was not connecting on a deeper level with anyone local, that I grew accustom to my online connections being the only friends I felt safe to let into my heart.

What I am realizing now that I am living in a seaside town full of kindred spirits, is that I have almost forgotten what it is like to have a friend that lives down the street that I can call and meet up.  Or have people that show up in my life, not only on "my" time but also on theirs.  It's as if since moving here, I have resisted this type of intimacy because it felt THAT foreign to me and almost a bit over stimulating for my introverted self.  Although I know it is what I need and what my son needs and my husband.  We have for so long talked about going back to simplicity as a family. Connecting deeper to nature, less time with technology, more reading, more community...slowing...slowing.

This is what I mean by a slow transition.   I didn't want to drastically transition from online world to in person world.  I found myself pulling back from my online life and sitting with it.   Asking myself many questions.  What is it like to live my life and not share so much of it publicly?  I felt like I was constantly checking in with my heart...am I doing this for me?  Am I doing this to share it with the world?  Have I forgotten what it feels like to not be so SEEN?  I wanted to remember.  To remember what it was like to live each day and hold it close...for myself and those around me.  I suppose it sounds a bit selfish as I am writing this out but I think for me, for us, it was selfish in a healthy way.  Healthy in the way of cocooning or hibernating when you know your body needs rest and when you know in order to be a good friend, sister, daughter wife, mother, you need restoration of some sort.

Now that I am somewhat surfacing and opening myself up to this community, a few mamas have come into my life organically.  A new cafe opened up here downtown for parents of children with a huge play area.  I have met a handful of gentle mamas and a few where Cedar really connected with their children and we've exchanged numbers like we're "dating".  I also have been invited into a women's circle by my dear friend in town that has held our family so gently and has been SO patient with my need to be quiet.

With all of this opening for me, I am in a space where I want to find a balance between my online connections and my in person ones.  I don't have the answers yet but I am surrendering the idea of needing to have it figured out.  As I am rising out of this quiet space, I see all of my dear, deep, soulful online friends rocking their online spaces;  eCourses, workshops, books, book tours and so much more.  On some days, it takes an enormous amount of energy for me to not compare myself to them, knowing that me pulling back, cancelling my eCourse, putting aside my book, taking a break from photography sessions, postponing teaching a class at a retreat this fall, was a healthy choice for me and my family during this time of transition.  Perhaps there will be a time for me to enter back into being more public or perhaps I will dive deeper into this community and put my energy into those spaces.  I am unsure.  What I do know is that this next year, I am going to continue on the path of restoring my spirit and I am still learning what that is because I feel like so much is shifting.

{self portrait in our hotel elevator in Victoria, B.C.}

{getting a yerba mate latte, downtown Victoria}

Its actually been really nice living deeper in each moment without the urge to run to the computer to share.  I notice I am more present in those moments and I am discovering a whole new kind of sacredness in this quiet.  Perhaps I will learn how to bring this sacredness into my writings again.  

So, I suppose all of what I shared may answer those questions I've been receiving in my inbox asking if I am okay.  I am grateful that by you asking this question, I was given the space to explore it and learned that, yah...I am more than okay. It feels good to acknowledge that.

glorious 40~ness*

Tomorrow I turn 40. I feel just as much excitement and anticipation as when I turned 30. I've never been one to freak out about age, really...to me it is just a number. I remember someone telling me that your 30's are all about discovering who you really are and your 40's are the beginning of being comfortable with who you are the rest of your life. This may not be true for everyone but reflecting back, it feels true for me. I think this is why these milestone ages didn't frighten me. I have always so longed to be comfortable in my skin.

Boho Boy had a discussion with his acupuncturist the other day about how our American culture views age and how different it is to how it is viewed in the Asian culture. You often hear in our culture "I feel old" or "I can't do that or wear that because I am too old!". There is such a negative connotation on the idea of aging in those statements. So much of how we view ourselves is how we will end up feeling and being. What if getting old, being old, was a celebration? What if we all looked forward to it? What if it was an AWESOME thing to be old? Then on the days we are feeling good and sassy and deliciously comfy in our skin, we would say..."I am SO old! Yay!!" ; ) In the Asian culture and perhaps others I am unaware of, it seems age is less limiting and just more of an opportunity to create and embrace the abundance in your life.

I want to embrace this concept. As I see the gray hairs peeking through in this photo above, what if rather than wince and cover up, I celebrate them as silver ribbons in my hair? I see long gray dreads in my future.

Tomorrow morning I get on a plane for a wee one night groovy getaway.  I plan on doing a lot of reading, window shopping, drinking a cocktail or two, getting a bit pampered and SLEEPING.  All stuff I can't quite do right now as a mama without interruption.

Here's to glorious gray hairs and uninterrupted fun!  Getting older rocks.

xo

wisdom listens*

cedar and me walking a trail at maple falls

I was walking Cedar down to the water in our neighborhood the other day and I saw on a bumpersticker stuck to the back of a funky old truck "Knowledge Speaks but Wisdom Listens" ~ Jimi Hendrix.

For gals like me that can be far more fumbly with the spoken word than the written word, it moved through me like home. It reminded me that I don't always have to fill a space with words and that silence can speak volumes. It reminded me that energy in a room can say so much and so can touch and just simply being in a space to prefer listening. We all share ourselves differently and the exchange of thoughts and feeling can be expressed in so many ways. Throughout my life, I have been told I have a quiet strength in person. I was never quite sure how to receive that, coming from a very expressive family, until my eyes lingered on this quote.

Give yourself permission to not have to fill a space with words. Curious what that freedom will offer you and what wisdom will come from you or to you.

flying butterflies and bubbles*

We are nearing towards the end. Almost our whole life in boxes. Everyone's emotions ebbing and flowing. Moving your bodies and things into a brand new home in a brand new State takes purging to a whole new level. Not just the physical purging but the emotional kind. I've been finding old letters and photos and reading through old journal entries. I have found folders filled with paperwork from doctors and acupuncturists regarding our fertility journey. Folders filled with every single piece of the adoption pie. Memories...memories that these four walls held sometimes gently, other times fiercely. I am grateful for all of it. I am also weary of it and ready to move forward from what has begun to feel like being a bit stuck. We're all sensing the forward movement. We're feeling the peeling, the opening, the readying for something we've been craving for ages. Inspiration is beginning to weave back into our thoughts. Yesterday I was sitting on the kitchen floor, cleaning out what was underneath our kitchen sink. Listening to Mindy Gledhill's album Anchor and swaying back and forth. Singing. Laughing. Feeling so much Joy. Today I sat in that same spot after my husband and son left for an hour. As soon as they walked out the door, I wept in my hands. Feeling really raw today and weary and trying not to question it all. Probably overwhelm. Probably not getting enough sleep. Probably stress and worry. Or perhaps just RELEASE. I find it interesting how much I am vacillating.

Been thinking a lot about my family. That love is so solid and constant, no matter what absolute crazy is going on...I think of my mother and father...my two sisters...my nieces and nephews...my mother in law and Boho Bro and I just want to send them love right now. I wish I could float to each of them in a tiny bubble and offer them the peace and joy that bubbles bring to Cedar. In times of big transition, you hold onto what feels constant and true.

I may be offline for a few weeks. I may not. I will try to post little photos and stories but I know my life is about to be such a whirl wind of NEW. Cedar's been able to work through all the chaos in a way that has surprised each of us. He is bending and flowing and then melting like we've never seen him melt before. Packing has been slower because of this. We pack a box and then we sit with him and stay present. We pack a box, then we play with him. We pack a box and we hold him. I have learned that he is more peaceful with order. Its so interesting to see their personalities evolving. The other day he picked up a crumpled up paper and walked into the kitchen and placed it in the waste basket. He did it again with a piece of fruit he was done with. Again and again. I see him put away his toys when he wants to play with another. This is all new and fascinating. So we are trying our best to maintain order in the chaos so that he can feel some normalcy through it all.  Although I know I cannot carry everything and that chaos will happen and he will melt again and that is when I take deep breaths and sit on the floor and laugh or sway or cry or do both at once.  Transition is big.  Emotions through transition are big.  Time to leave our safe cocoon and stretch our wings and fly like three beautiful butterflies.  We might start out wobbly...but oh how the flight will feel GOOD.

Bubbles...ahhh...bubbles. How I would love to take a ride in a bubble tonight.